David Lurie wrote an interesting article recently with a self-explanatory title: 5 Tricks for Remembering Names.

This got me thinking as it is something I do really need to work on. When I turn up at a game to referee it, chances are most of the people there I will not have met before: There will be the club officials (secretary, manager, coach, physio, to begin with!) and the players. Multiply that by two.

It stands to reason that it really helps to build a rapport with people if you actually remember and use their name! Especially if, as referee, you want to give the impression that you do care about the game and are not just there to scowl, blow your whistle and pick up your money at the end.

Think about the long term as well: If you are visiting a team that you have refereed a few times before but don’t recall any of their names, that will not look so good. Depending on your performance the previous time they may remember you really well This has been really powerful when I’ve used it with players before: Mainly because I cautioned them in the last game! It’s almost a discrete, “Hey, I’m watching”.

Some points of my own that I will add onto the back of David’s article:

1. ACTUALLY LISTEN: This is where I fall down. I listen to what people say in terms of the content but I seem to automatically filter out their name as ‘not relevant’. So make an effort to pick it up, use it, repeat it to yourself, visualise it as a sign on their forehead, whatever you like!
2. USE YOUR NOTEBOOK: This is not something you can get away with without looking strange when normally meeting people. However, as a referee you are expected to be jotting things down in your ‘little black book’ and things like manager names and the like definitely fall into this category. It is also part of the ‘Look Like You Know What You Are Doing’ toolset!
3. SOME PLAYERS ARE SPECIAL: If your match is using team sheets then you have 22 players + subs to memorise. Unlikely to happen! However, try and memorise the key players: Captains and goalkeepers, for example. During play if a player becomes special then discretely check your notebook and start using their name. It can help get their attention a lot better but use your judgement.

Do you have any tips for remembering names? Ever had a bad situation because you have forgotten, or perhaps BECAUSE you used a name?

Stay close... or distant!

Physical positioning is a key aspect of building rapport with people. There is a lot to this concept including various NLP principles. An excellent general article on this subject has been written by Nicky Kriel: Communication – Let’s get Physical! and I strongly recommend that you take a look. The article details how space, angles and sides come into play.

We use these when refereeing to deliberately elicit the desired response as part of a stepped approach to discipline:

1. THE QUIET WORD: Running up to a player discreetly during play and asking them to calm down, or explaining something you have heard them grumbling about. Typically side by side, so it does not feel confrontational or lecturing. The positioning is saying: “Hey, we’re on the same side here”.
2. THE NOT SO QUIET WORD:Raised voice from a distance: “That’s enough now”, “I’ve seen it, I played the advantage”, “GREAT challenge!” If aimed at a player the intention is also to let others know things have been seen or heard! The eye contact is there but no change in positioning from the referee. The positioning is saying: “Here’s my comment for everyone to hear, but we are just getting on with things!”.
3. THE TALKING TO: Play is stopped for this. The player is taken to a neutral spot and addressed head on. “I don’t want to see any more challenges like that”, “This is your last warning: Stop questioning my decisions”, “I’m cautioning you for that tackle”. Gestures are used so that the other players on the pitch have an idea what is going on! The positioning is saying: “I’m not being nice now, I AM lecturing you and everyone is getting to see why!”

The positioning in the above cases has a real impact on the game and the players. Imagine how you would feel if they were twisted around? A ‘quiet word’ when someone draws attention to it and is looking at you head on and invading your personal space? How about you’ve done something REALLY bad but someone just comes up to you side-on and says, “Don’t do it again”: Would you actually feel disciplined or instead that you had just got away with something? How would it look to spectators?

Positioning is a powerful force with building rapport and vital for keeping control of a match. Do you have any positioning tricks?

Red card coming!

Violent Conduct results in a clear dismissal when it happens. The relevant part of the Laws Of The Game are as follows:

A clear line has to be drawn that this is totally unacceptable in the game. This is a more obvious line in some cases: My first dismissal for Violent Conduct was following a player deliberately stamping on the head of their opponent.

In my most recent game as Assistant Referee, two players were dismissed for Violent Conduct after getting into a fight. It started as ‘handbags’ but a few punches were thrown. No question: Dismissal. The furore afterwards also resulted in a team manager being ordered away from the touchline by the referee.

That was bad enough but the irksome bit was the comment “It shouldn’t have been a red card; it wasn’t a proper fight”. Not a proper fight?! In my eyes, even an attempt to strike or preparing to throw a punch is going to result in a dismissal. Remember that we dismiss for ‘touching heads’ even though it is not what would traditionally be called a head butt.

I’d be very concerned if some referees were being soft on this one as it has to be a zero-tolerance line. Equally, the players and team officials need to treat it as such as well. Certainly never players ‘blowing off steam’ …

Have you encountered any ‘borderline’ Violent Conduct? Where do you feel that ‘adopting an aggressive attitude’ (Unsporting Behaviour) comes in instead?

Some non-borderline cases:

Keeping a form of control on ‘industrial language’ is one of those niggling refereeing problems. The referee has the power of dismissal for this criteria:

using offensive, insulting or abusive language and/or gestures

The language in question can be in use in any way: Towards the referee, towards a player’s own team, the opposition, a spectator… It just has to be deemed to fit the criteria by the referee.

The problem is: Where do you draw the line? An instinctive expletive after missing a goal? Frustration at an incomplete pass? A cry out in pain after a dodgy tackle?

In my last game acting as Assistant, the referee took great control of this. He briefed the managers and captains that he was not going to tolerate any swearing other than the instinctive type. Now, most referees will take firm action at any such language towards themselves but he was implementing a general policy.

It worked really well. He was very stern with those who went against it and the clamping down really helped with showing authority and good match control. I have had very good games where the only complaint afterwards has been about the language: “There were children present” / “There are houses bordering the ground” / “We tell our players to keep it clean; what about the opposition?”

Of course, NOT doing anything about it is still complying with the Laws of The Game, as this is one where it is down to the opinion of the referee as to what is offensive or not! However, is it right?

I’m going to give this one a whirl in my next game as I feel I may have been a little soft on general swearing up to now. Wish me luck!

This weekend I have been appointed to three games. Two down, one to go, and things are going really well. I’m determined to keep up the momentum!

The first game was as Assistant Referee on the Combined Counties Football League. This was my first competitive game on this league this season (the others I have posted about recently have been pre-season friendlies). This was one of those occasions where the referee team has just totally gelled: Good bonding, all the decisions correct and great communication. I enjoyed every second. Not bad at all considering it was a local derby! There was the perhaps inevitable mass confrontation to take care of, of course…

It really helps when everyone on the team has the right, positive attitude: To do a professional job and have fun at the same time. Sometimes I have worked on teams where one member has been, well, a little bitter and twisted and it does bring the team down a little.

Today I had a pre-season friendly on another league as the man in the middle. This was also a fantastic game, helped by the fact that both teams genuinely treated it like a friendly! It was a joy to referee and helped by the fact that I really felt on form: Right on top of fouls etc and getting the tight calls right each time. Was very pleased to hear a spectator comment, “That’s the best referee I have seen round here”. That will keep my ego swollen for a few hours at least…

It’s not the only thing which is swollen: My right knee is feeling tender and I had to ice it after the game. It feels sore on the inside so not quite sure what it is. I hurt my Achilles last season from sprint ‘take-off’ and now I’ve hurt my knee from the sudden deceleration from sprinting when running the line! I need to be careful.

One more game to go (Assistant again) to polish off the weekend: Let’s make it a great finish!

I refereed another pre-season friendly on Sunday. This featured a 1st team playing their own Reserves. You can’t get much more friendly than that, right? After all, all the players are club mates and love each other… right?

Hmm…

It started off with all smiles but then became a lot more competitive when the Reserves started beating the 1st team 2-0. This is never going to do much for a 1st team’s pride.

Although it became feisty it was, on the whole, not a difficult game. I was tired and dehydrated going in so I know I was not at my peak performance but those are both easy things to fix for next time.

There was dissent coming from one player which I used the stepped approach for and they were one step away from a caution. This took us into half time and I asked their Manager to have a quiet word with him. He turned into a model player in the second half which was great to see.

The flashpoint was when a player was tripped by the last defender: Denial of an Obvious Goalscoring Opportunity (DOGSO). In Law, a red card if the referee sees it that way. The players from the opposing team were calling for him to be sent off… remember they were all club mates! The player tripped hurt his knee as well which contributed to it spilling over.

I decided to caution for the trip (the other team needed to see clear action) and ‘forced’ the player to be substituted due to it being a Friendly. This was effectively me choosing not to see it as DOGSO. In a competitive match I would not have hesitated to dismiss but this was a ‘Friendly’ level way of dealing with it. Of course, had it been a serious transgression (striking, knee height lunge…) this would not have been appropriate.

The match ended in exciting fashion: 5-5 and settled in the last minute. Even though there was more at stake AFTER the caution and the pace was more frenetic, there were no further serious issues to deal with. Great!

I have to say that the standard of football was very good (especially considering that this is Sunday football). There was some real skill, pace and teamwork from the players.

To be honest, I am really looking forward to most of the competitive league matches starting as match control will be much more straight forward in comparison.

I gave my third Toastmasters speech at Farnham Speakers yesterday. The goal on this was ‘Get To The Point!’ which is pretty self-explanatory.

I did have some other goals to try and crack though:

1. ‘Pointless’ body language had crept into my previous speech. In particular, pacing the stage when it had no link to what I was saying. I was determined to make sure that any body language used had a point! This seemed to work well.
2. A key topic in this speech is football refereeing, either part of which may make people turn off immediately! So I had to keep it engaging. I got a positive response on the content.

What do I need to work on?

1. Notes. I’ve never needed them before but I referred to them on occasion this time. BAD. Must prepare more to ENSURE this NEVER happens again.
2. Hands. A suggestion that sometimes to drop my hands by my side. I think this is a good one as it will add a bit more power to when my hands are actually used.
3. Calm down. My nerves are still coming through and this links into just relaxing and practising more. This will of course also solve the notes issue! Spending extra days has reaped benefits before, as demonstrated when I repeated a speech.

Now I need to start thinking about what to talk about for my fourth speech! Toastmasters is a fantastic, supportive organisation for improving on public speaking… and I can see the confidence helping with my refereeing as well!

Nicky Kriel wrote recently on the subject of “Do you listen when you’re networking?”. A key phrase I picked out from this was “Have you experienced someone speaking at you?”.

I certainly have. Football players experience this too. The unofficial forums for the Combined Counties Football League are buzzing right now with the start of the new season and their hopes and dreams. One I’m seeing repeated is that referees should be less ‘card happy’ and actually listen to players.

Surely this is obvious? I thought so but it seems there is a section of referees who do not tolerate any comments from players whatsoever. “I just asked why he gave that free kick and he gave me a yellow card!”. Not good. Selling decisions is as much about listening as it is giving the decisions.

Dissent is of course not to be tolerated. However, there is a clear difference being players wanting to know WHY a decision has been given a certain way and them crossing the ‘line of tolerance’.

Listening to the concerns of players is absolutely vital.. It sets the tone of the game. Responding to their questions when things are still calm (if perhaps a little charged) can stop things escalating.

It may even be a cry for help: “He nearly elbowed me in the face”. Say nothing? The player will feel unprotected which will lead to bad things. Say you will keep an eye out because you want his good looks to be preserved? Perfect. If your rapport skills are up to scratch you will know when you can get away with the ‘good looks’ comment too!

If a dictatorial style is all you have in your refereeing toolbox then you are severely limiting yourself. Remember who the most important people on the pitch are!

85 minutes in... what can possibly go wrong?

I’m back in refereeing action now that the pre-season is well under way. This has involved two ‘friendly’ matches for the Combined Counties Football League (CCFL).

Normally I can only act as an Assistant Referee on this league due to my current level. It is great for picking up tips on what does (and doesn’t!) work and my particular interest has always been effective man management techniques: Match control is all-important.

The second match was a real treat because I was appointed as Referee. This was allowed due to it being a Friendly although that is always a misnomer: A match is only as friendly as the players want it to be! I was reading a report of one previous friendly match for this league which had involved a 22 man brawl towards the end.

Oh, and the League Secretary was going to be in attendance!

The game went really well. It really helps when both sides just want to play football instead of hacking each other to pieces. To be honest, I find it easier to referee when the skill level of the players is higher: The number of clumsy challenges diminishes and the passing is more accurate so the game just flows better.

Some ‘quiet words’ were needed to calm things down upon occasion and this is effective for two reasons: Firstly, the player in question knows you are watching (and the stop in play allows things to calm down). Secondly, the OTHER players know you are watching out for them (so the risk of retaliation decreases).

I managed to step up my game and successfully take charge of my first match at this level. It may be a while before I can do this officially during the season but I can feel that I am ready. The League Secretary was happy as well!

Bring it on!

Great job, ref!

The referee and coach relationship can be a little strained in any sport. What can we do to keep things sweet?

I am a coach and referee which is useful in terms of perspective. I am also a strong believer in that appropriate ‘man management’ skills will resolve most conflict before it ever really arises.

When a coach raises an issue it can be pretty emotive. They have two levels of investment here: The personal effort that they have put into developing a player and also the empathy they have for the player.

So, here are tips for referees!

1. BE CALM: No matter how upset a coach may be it is absolutely essential to keep your cool. The moment you start shouting is the moment that the situation is totally spiralling out of your control.
2. ENFORCE BOUNDARIES: The previous point does not mean you have to take screaming abuse. Calmly set your boundaries and enforce them. This means being ready to walk (or run?!) away if things are not working out.
3. SHOW RESPECT: Chances are the coach has given up hours of their time in coaching. They have done the courses. They have kept their skills up. They want their players to succeed. Never, ever put up ‘Referee vs Coach’ walls. This includes NEVER EVER using the immortal phrase of, “You’re not a referee”. This is the instant best way of losing control of the entire situation.
4. LISTEN BEFORE RESPONDING: You know what, the coach may be entirely wrong. You still have to listen to what they have to say. This is because you must understand where they are coming from as there may be a misunderstanding or an assumption which is causing all this which can be easily resolved. If you don’t listen, you will never find out what it is!
5. EXPLAIN YOURSELF: Explain your reasoning for the decision in question. Interpretation and your view of events is really important in these sorts of conflicts. The coach will be much more understanding (well, sometimes!) if they can understand WHY something has been done.
6. YOU MAY BE WRONG: Never start with the assumption that you are right and the coach is wrong. Some coaches have experience at national and international level which will exceed the experience of the referee. No-one is infallible. That includes you. If you in capacity as referee can’t admit your own mistakes, what real hope is there for fair play?
7. IT MAY NOT WORK OUT: At the end of the day, you may not reach any form of agreement with the coach. You may ‘agree to disagree’ (Perhaps on interpretation of a rule) but ultimately the coach may be adamant that they are right and you are wrong. That’s fine. You can’t win ‘em all. Recognise when there is no point in discussing things any further because they have gone circular and walk away.
8. BE FIRST: If you anticipate issues with a coach, why wait for them to come to you? I’ve had best results by going to THEM first before general grumbling becomes anger! Nip problems in the bud first if you can. This also helps with maintaining the appropriate authority you have as referee. Not only that, it’s showing you actually do care…

Coach and referee in happier times...

One final thing: Are you only ever talking to coaches when there is a problem? Does this seem right to you?

I hope that these tips prove useful in any further conflicts that you have. Do you have any advice of your own to share on this subject?